


Sandals in the Snow

by amethystfox, ayerlind



Series: I Could Live a Little More [11]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: Age Difference, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Feels, Belts, Blow Jobs, Dom/sub, Established Relationship, Impact Play, Jazzaniga, Jinks, M/M, Oral Sex, POV: Jan, POV: Winksy, Polyamory, Spanking, Tottenham Hotspur F.C., Tottenham Hotspur FC - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-07
Updated: 2020-04-07
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:54:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23532637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amethystfox/pseuds/amethystfox, https://archiveofourown.org/users/ayerlind/pseuds/ayerlind
Summary: July 2019Harry and Jan are scheduled to shoot an interview while they're in Singapore on tour. Pretty much nothing goes as planned.
Relationships: Jan Vertonghen/Harry Winks, Jan Vertonghen/Toby Alderweireld (mentioned), Paulo Gazzaniga/Jan Vertonghen
Series: I Could Live a Little More [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621807
Comments: 8
Kudos: 18





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As with most of my Spursfics, some non-English dialogue is used; translations are at the end.

July 2019  
Singapore

  
  
  


"Jan," Harry panted. "Fuck, Jan…"

Jan just groaned underneath him, digging his fingers into Harry's thighs, rocking Harry back and forth on top of him, moving his own hips in a steady rhythm, thrusting up into Harry, over and over again. Not for the first time, Jan found himself grateful that he was wearing a condom; if not for that slight dulling of the sensation of being inside Harry, he would probably have come long since.

Harry leaned forward and dropped his head, resting his hands on Jan's upper chest as he rose and fell on Jan's cock. He had been riding Jan for a while now already, and Jan could tell he was beginning to lose what little control he had previously had. 

"That's it, baby," Jan said, seeing his eyes droop shut as Harry slowly gave in to the sensations coursing through him as he drew closer and closer to orgasm. "Come on, Harry, baby. Come for me."

Harry clutched at Jan's chest, digging his fingernails in, his eyes squeezed shut. Jan loved to do this, to make Harry come untouched, just to see the way his sweet face contorted with the effort it took to obey Jan and not touch himself. It was always a struggle for Harry, and Jan absolutely loved it.

"Jan," he gasped now, his fingers clawing at Jan's chest and neck, his eyes screwed up so tight that it looked like he was in agony, his head dropping down even further, slowly collapsing against Jan as he hovered on the edge.

"Now, Harry," Jan barked, spanking him sharply with one hand. Harry flung his head back, let out a strangled cry, and came explosively all over Jan's stomach, arching his back and clenching tightly around Jan's cock.

Jan groaned again and moved his hands up to Harry's hips, pulling him down hard onto his dick. It only took a couple more thrusts up into him before Jan came as well, growling Harry's name.

Jan relaxed his grip and let Harry collapse down on top of him again. They lay quietly for a few minutes, trying to get their breath back. Jan cuddled Harry close, pressing kisses to the top of his head, content just to hold him and let him slowly come back to himself.

Finally Harry shuddered, rolled off of Jan, and stretched lazily. Jan propped his head up on one hand, looking over at him. He liked to watch Harry's face after sex; he always looked so blissed out that it made Jan want to keep him that way forever. He reached out and ran one hand through Harry's dark hair, then trailed his fingers down his cheek, lingering briefly on those exquisite freckles that were sprinkled all over his face. He ran his thumb lightly across Harry's jaw, then cupped his chin and drew him in for a long, sweet kiss.

"Winksy," he sighed when they finally broke apart. Once they had begun their relationship, Jan had preferred to switch to just calling him Harry, but he had begged Jan to still call him Winksy at least some of the time, saying that he loved the way the nickname sounded coming from him. Jan didn't really understand it, but he was happy to give Harry what he wanted-- once he had earned it, at any rate.

Jan thoroughly enjoyed making Harry earn anything he asked for, even if it was just asking for Jan to pass the salt at the table. Usually he would keep a running count of all the things Harry had to earn later, when they could be alone, but if Harry had to ask Jan for something when they were alone together, Jan took a great deal of pleasure in finding the most demeaning tasks possible for Harry to complete before Jan would give him what he wanted.

Of course, sometimes Harry would deliberately ask Jan for things he didn't even want or need, just for the thrill of doing whatever Jan told him to do. Harry definitely enjoyed their arrangement at least as much as Jan did, enjoyed constantly testing the limits.

"Winksy," Jan whispered to him tenderly, peppering his face with kisses. "We should go shower."

"Yeah," Harry mumbled, stretching again. "Got that interview in a bit, ain't we?"

"Interview?" Jan said, drawing a blank.

"Yeah, you know, the tourmates thing."

Jan rubbed his eyes with one hand and sighed. "Ugh, I completely forgot about that," he grumbled.

"Could be worse, we could be tryin to play football against a hundred kids," Harry said with a laugh.

It was media day on the pre-season tour, and Jan and Harry had both been tapped for a segment for Spurs TV. It was likely to be relatively painless, just answering some questions about the rest of the lads, but Jan grumbled anyway. Anything that he had to get in front of the cameras for was becoming more and more of an annoyance to him these days, especially now that he had a new, extremely visible scar on his nose. He had been told by several people that it only made him look sexier, but he still didn't like looking at it, didn't like the reminder of how he had come by it.

Still, at least he would get to spend the day with Harry. They hadn't had many chances to get together between the start of the pre-season and leaving on tour, but they had been together almost every minute since then, thanks to sharing a room in the hotel once they arrived in Singapore.

Of course, Jan would have liked to be able to spend more time with his other lovers on the team as well. They had been able to get away with a couple of trysts in his and Harry's hotel room, but the truth was that everyone was so busy that it was difficult for any of them to squeeze in much downtime together.

Today had been something of an exception, since there were lots of different media events scheduled for different players at different times. Paulo and Toby were both in the group that had been assigned to meet with the various Asian media outlets this morning-- Jan and Harry would be doing that later in the afternoon. The Spurs TV segment wasn't until 11:00, which meant that Harry and Jan had had a rare opportunity for a lie-in.

They hadn't actually slept late, of course; both of them were too accustomed to their strict training schedule to be able to sleep much past dawn. But after they had gotten up, had breakfast, and come back to their room to brush their teeth and get dressed, they had realised that they still had plenty of time before they even needed to get ready to leave, and had seized the chance to have some leisurely sex for a change.

Jan eased himself off the bed now, wincing slightly. He was starting to get a little bit stiffer in the morning, he'd noticed-- another thing he didn't care to think about too much. He stretched, reaching his arms up over his head as high as he could. Harry came over to him and wrapped his arms around Jan's waist, nuzzling at Jan's chest with his nose and blinking rapidly to make his eyelashes flutter against Jan's skin, making him squirm and laugh.

"Silly boy," Jan said with a chuckle, dropping one arm around Harry's shoulders and digging a knuckle into his scalp. "Now get that cute little butt in the shower."

"Yes, sir," Harry said in an overly sweet voice, turning to go with a saucy little toss of his head.

Jan snorted, but followed him into the bathroom. They had been together just long enough for Jan to be quite sure that Harry would never be a perfectly obedient sub, but he found that he didn't really mind that much. Harry was always naughty in sweet, playful ways, most of them designed purely to get Jan's attention. It was a rather delicate balance to preserve, maintaining his dominance over Harry without making him think that Jan didn't enjoy his little games, but it kept him on his toes. 

Jan joined Harry in the shower, despite the limited space. He rather liked having to press up against Harry while they were wet and naked. He washed Harry's back for him, slipping one hand down to squeeze his ass gently, enjoying the way Harry whined under his touch.

"A bit sore, are you?" he murmured, nudging closer to Harry until he was up against the wall of the shower, bending his head to kiss Harry's neck.

"A little," Harry sighed, leaning back into Jan. "It's worth it, though."

“Good,” Jan breathed in his ear. “I like the idea of you being able to feel me fucking you for hours after.”

Harry shivered and rubbed his ass against Jan. He was enough shorter than Jan that when they stood like this, Jan's dick just rested against the upper curve of Harry's ass, and that only because he was spent and soft. When Jan was hard, he inevitably poked Harry squarely in the lower back. But for now this was enough, just to serve as a reminder.

Jan caught hold of Harry's hands and planted them against the shower wall, sliding them up over Harry's head and pinning his wrists together with one hand. The other hand Jan let roam all over Harry's torso, pinching his nipples, dragging a fingernail over the lines of muscle, twirling lazily around his navel. To his amazement Harry seemed to already be about half-hard again. Jan shook his head ruefully. _Ah, youth,_ he thought, cupping Harry's cock in his hand and dropping his head to mouth and bite at his shoulders, leaving little marks in places he knew would be covered up by Harry's shirt. Jan loved the idea of Harry being in front of the cameras for a potential audience of millions, marked up and sore from Jan's attentions, but with no one else the wiser.

By the time they finally got out of the shower, Jan's own dick was beginning to stir again, but they didn't have enough time to do anything about it. They dressed rather reluctantly, and went back into the bathroom to dry and style their hair. Of course, the Spurs hair and makeup people would probably redo it before they actually got in front of the cameras, but they still had to go through the motions.

Jan froze when he saw his reflection in the mirror, though. "Where the hell did those come from?" he muttered, dismayed, running a finger over a couple of fresh, red scratches running down from the inside of his collarbone to his chest, his shirt only partially covering them.

Harry looked over at him and blushed. "Yeah, those are probably my fault, I reckon."

"Shit," Jan breathed, remembering the way Harry had clawed at him right before he came. He hadn’t realised that Harry had actually scratched him quite _that_ hard. "Those are going to be tricky for the makeup people to cover up."

Harry bit his lip, dropping his eyes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, I wasn't thinking about it, I just…"

"Shh," Jan said, taking Harry by the chin. "I'm not angry, Winksy. I rather like that you can't control yourself when I'm inside you." He kissed Harry gently, then let him go. "Hopefully nobody will ask too many questions. Maybe I can say I picked them up during training, or something."

Harry nodded, though he still looked a little worried. "Kind of a funny place to get scratched in training," he said doubtfully.

"Harry, I don't want you to worry about it," Jan told him firmly. "It will be fine. I'm sure they can be covered up, and even if not, nobody would ever believe the real reason for them, yeah?"

To his relief Harry giggled and relaxed. "Yeah, reckon you're right." 

Jan smiled and went back to fussing with his hair.

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


To his dismay, makeup was only able to cover up the scratches to a limited extent. They were still visible, but they were no longer nearly as red and fresh looking as they had been. It was a little disconcerting, but there was nothing to be done about it, so Jan tried to forget about it.

When he got to the little makeshift set, though, he found Hugo waiting for him along with Harry. Sonny was already in the chair, answering questions with his characteristic bright smile in place.

Hugo glanced over at Jan's approach and reached out an arm to drape around his shoulders, but his smile changed to a frown when Jan got closer. "What happen here?" he asked quietly, reaching up to touch the scratches.

Jan shrugged, as casually as he could manage. "Not even sure. Must have picked them up in training at some point." Behind Hugo, he saw Harry fidgeting nervously and he cast about for a way to change the subject. "Have you already done this?" he asked, indicating where Sonny was chatting away with a jerk of his head.

Hugo nodded. "I was out of makeup first, so they start with me. Is not so bad. Who will forget the passport, this sort of thing."

"Standard stuff, then," Jan commented, and they fell silent for a moment, watching Sonny cheerfully answering questions.

"Who is the worst person to sit next to on the plane?" the interviewer asked.

"Well, that's an interesting question," Jan murmured. Hugo laughed softly next to him.

"No one, actually," Sonny said after a moment of thought.

"What, no one? No one who would get on your nerves on a long flight?"

Sonny shrugged. "I like everyone." He grinned cheekily and the interviewer laughed.

"All right then, that's you done, Sonny," he said, and Sonny hopped up from the chair and bounced over to the rest of them.

"Super Jan! Finally done with makeup?" Sonny attached himself to Jan's other side, tapping him on the nose. Jan put his free arm around Sonny's shoulders and gave him a friendly squeeze. Son was impossible not to like.

"Well, they did the best they could," Jan said wryly. Between the scar on his nose and the scratches on his chest, he had been afraid the poor makeup artist was going to have a fit.

"No, you look good," Sonny insisted. "Very handsome."

"Yeah, you look good," Harry chipped in from Hugo's other side.

Jan flashed him a grin. Now that he knew Harry had had a crush on him for years, so much more of their past relationship made sense, including all the little comments like this that Harry had always made. They weren't really all that different to anything another teammate might have said, but there was something, an extra note of sincerity in Harry's voice, that he only really understood now. Maybe that had been part of what other people picked up on, those who had apparently been aware of Harry's feelings long before Jan had found out.

Still, it was always nice to have these little reminders from Harry. Jan was still a bit concerned about the fact that Harry seemed to have much stronger feelings for him than Jan had yet developed for Harry, but all in all things were going well.

“Right, then, who’s next?” The interviewer glanced between Harry and Jan. “How about you, Winksy?”

“Why not?” Harry grinned and followed the interviewer back to the set. Jan watched the sound guy fiddling with Harry’s collar, feeling glad that at least none of the marks he had left on Harry that morning would be visible, even if the sound guy lifted up his collar a little bit.

Sonny poked Jan on the chest, just to one side of the somewhat obscured scratches. “Jan, how you do this?” he asked, a little too loudly. Jan saw Harry’s head turn towards them, his eyes anxious. Then the interviewer frowned, looking over at them as well.

“If you lads don’t mind, if you’re going to chat, step away a bit more?” Jan nodded quickly and moved away, pulling Sonny and Hugo with him. When they were just out of earshot, Jan glanced back at Harry, who was still watching them, and nodded slightly. He relaxed when he saw Harry turn back to the interviewer with his media smile firmly in place.

Sonny wasn’t going to let up that easily, though. He tapped Jan’s chest again. “Did you have a bad itch?” he asked innocently.

Jan shrugged. “Not sure where they came from. My guess is during training, but who knows.” 

“Ah, it’s okay. Makes you look very rugged.” Sonny grinned at him, and Jan snorted with amusement. 

“If you say so.” Jan glanced over at Hugo. "Have you talked to Marine? How are they doing?"

They chatted idly about their families for a few minutes, only looking back over at the set when there was a burst of laughter from that direction. Harry was looking over at them and grinning in a way that Jan had come to recognise. Harry must have given a particularly cheeky answer to one of the questions.

It must have been the last question, though, because Harry was getting up and coming over to them, still giggling. Jan raised an eyebrow at him, but Harry just gave him an innocent look and shrugged.

"All right, Jan, you're up next," the interviewer said. "Come on and sit down."

Jan obeyed, staying still while the sound guy clipped a lapel mic to his collar. Jan winced slightly when it dug into his skin right on top of the scratches, but luckily the sound guy was paying attention. 

"Ooh, sorry, that looks rough, I'll just move it over here..." He slid the mic up Jan's collar just a bit, enough so that it at least wasn't sitting directly over the furrows Harry's nails had torn in his skin. 

"All right then, Jan," the interviewer began. "Out of all the lads on tour here, who would you say needs the most help packing their suitcase?"

"Ah…" Jan racked his brain. Nobody really came to mind. "Ah… Moussa Sissoko and Dele Alli."

"Yeah, why them?"

Jan shrugged. "They just look… all over the place sometimes. Yeah, them two."

"Right… who is the most likely to forget their passport?"

Jan thought for a moment. "Eric Dier lost it, or no, he forgot it once, so I would have to say Eric Dier." He smiled a little at the memory. Eric was usually a fairly level-headed bloke, but when he was distracted by Dele he did tend to lose track of all sorts of things.

"And who has the worst passport photo?"

Jan gave a low whistle and rubbed his chin with one hand. He couldn't remember what anyone's passport pictures looked like, except for his own, and while it wasn't the most flattering picture, he wasn't about to say so. "Um, I'm not sure." He frowned, trying to come up with an answer, but eventually the interviewer took pity on him.

"That's all right there, Jan, let's move on. Who is the most likely to get lost in a foreign city?"

Jan thought for a moment, then smiled. "Without the 'foreign' I'd say probably Winksy, 'cause, ah, his head is somewhere else sometimes." He had to stifle a laugh at that memory, thinking of the time Harry had tried to find a particular restaurant in Manchester and gotten astoundingly lost. He had called Jan for help, and Jan had had to go find him. Harry had been adorably embarrassed when Jan finally collected him, stammering and apologising to Jan like he had done something truly heinous.

“And on the tour, who do you think will sign the most autographs?”

Jan smiled again. “Has to be Sonny, no? Has to be Sonny.” They were in Asia, after all, and Sonny was one of the few Asian players in the Premier League, to say nothing of him being wildly popular wherever they went.

“And when you’re on a plane or the coach, who would you not want to fall asleep next to?”

Jan considered. “There’s a few, really. You’ve got the ones who are just loud, the ones who like to do pranks, but…” He snorted. “I’ve seen what Coco does sometimes when someone falls asleep. Yeah, I wouldn’t want to fall asleep next to Coco.”

The interviewer smiled. “Coco’s been the most popular answer to that one. All right, last question: who’s the worst person to sit next to on the plane?”

Jan had been thinking about this one since he had overheard Sonny giving his answer to it, but he still didn’t have a good answer. He didn’t really have anybody in mind that he would rather not sit next to, but he couldn’t really say that. It was believable from Sonny, but less so from him.

On the other hand, this could be a chance for him to throw off any suspicion about one of his less than traditional relationships.

He shrugged nonchalantly. “I don’t know, maybe one of the boys who always have music I don’t like playing. Like some of the Spanish boys, it’s not really my thing.” There, that was subtle enough, but might be effective.

“Not Winksy?”

Jan blinked. “Why would I say Winksy?”

The interviewer grinned. “You didn’t hear him earlier?”

Jan shook his head. “What did he say?”

“He said you, mate. Said you fart a lot on the plane.” The interviewer laughed uproariously, and something inside Jan went cold with dread. He knew instantly that Harry had only said that to be a brat; normally Jan could take a joke as readily as anyone, and Harry had no reason to know how much Jan hated flying for that exact reason. He had looked it up once and discovered that there was a legitimate scientific reason for increased flatulence on planes-- something to do with the way air expanded at higher altitudes-- but knowing that didn’t really do much to ease the embarrassment.

He could see that the interviewer was waiting for a response, though, so Jan managed a half-hearted smile. “Ha ha… wow.”

The interviewer grinned at him. “All right, I think we’re done. Cheers, mate.”

Jan stood up to let the sound guy retrieve the lapel mic, his heart thudding in his chest. He knew better than to take it to heart, but there was a tiny voice in his mind that was whispering to him now, saying that Harry must not really like him all that much, that he was probably always looking for an excuse to get away from him, that he must be always making fun of Jan behind his back. He shook his head, trying to drive it out, but to no avail.

His feet were carrying him away from the set now, towards the others. He saw Harry laughing at something Sonny had said, and in that moment seeing Harry laugh was too much to bear. He needed to get out of here. He was walking past the others, to the exit, before he quite realised it. It took hearing them calling his name to jolt him back to the present.

“Where you going?” Sonny said, laughing. Jan shrugged, trying to find a smile. He couldn’t meet Harry’s eyes right now.

“How about some lunch?” Jan said in a falsely cheerful voice. Out of the corner of his eye he could see Sonny and Hugo exchange a glance.

“Sure, Jan,” Hugo said in his soft voice, and together they wandered off to find something to eat before they had to face the Asian media in a couple of hours.

  
  
  


***

  
  


Jan was never quite sure afterward how he got through lunch and then the excruciating rounds with the various media outlets from all over Asia that afternoon, especially when he could feel Harry’s eyes on him the entire time. Granted, he was used to Harry watching him a lot, but this was different. He knew that Harry could tell he was upset, but there was nothing either of them could do about it right now. They would have to wait to address it until they were alone.

By the time they got back to the hotel, though, Jan was nearly in agony. He didn't know what to do, how to talk to Harry, how to act around him. He didn't feel up to punishing him, or dominating him at all. The only thing Jan wanted to do right now was curl up in bed and let himself cry.

But if he tried to do that in his room, Harry would be there to see it, and Jan couldn't stand that idea either. He needed… he needed Paulo.

Jan felt his head spin when that thought popped into his mind. How had it not occurred to him before? He was always safe with Paulo. Paulo would know what to do, how to make him feel better. He just had to get to Paulo, and hope that his roommate wasn't around.

He all but bolted once he was inside the hotel, leaving Harry staring after him in the lobby. He ignored the uncomfortable feeling of Harry's eyes on him while he waited for the elevator to come. When he entered the elevator, he caught a glimpse of Harry's face before the doors closed. He looked puzzled and hurt, and guilt joined the painful tempest of emotions inside of Jan.

Jan pounded on Paulo's door with no subtlety, hoping that he would be there and that he would be alone. Jan needed to fall on his knees and beg Paulo to make it all go away as quickly as he could.

Luck was not on Jan's side today, though. It was Juan who opened the door, not Paulo. He looked surprised to see Jan there. "Hi," he said, a question in his soft voice.

Jan swallowed hard. "I need to talk to Paulo. Is he here?"

Juan opened his mouth in surprise, but stepped aside to let Jan enter. Paulo was stretched out across his bed, his long legs sticking out over the edge by quite a ways as he lay on his stomach, reading a book Jan had given him. He looked up in surprise when Jan stumbled into the room. "Jan?" he said, startled. "What is it?"

Jan swallowed again, not sure how to explain while Juan was in the room. "I um, just need to talk to you," he said uncertainly. Luckily Paulo could clearly see on his face how upset he was, and he put down his book, smoothly rolled off the bed, and looked over Jan's shoulder at Juan.

_"Creo que necesito hablar con él solo,"_ Paulo said quietly. " _¿Podrías pasar un rato con Dao o Coco?"_

Juan looked back and forth between his face and Jan's and nodded. "Sure, no problem."

_"Gracias,_ Juanito."

Jan didn't move or say anything while Juan grabbed his phone and room key and left. Once Jan heard the door click shut behind him, though, he fell to his knees in relief and clasped his hands behind his back, dropping his eyes to the floor. There was a moment's delay as Paulo went to lock and bar the door, but then he was back, his hand resting on Jan's head.

"What's wrong, _schatje?"_ Paulo asked, his voice gentle.

Jan drew in a shuddering breath. "It's… it's something silly, sir. I'm sorry to bother you…"

"Don't be," Paulo said firmly. "I am glad you came to me. Tell me."

Jan explained as quickly as he could, about the interview and what Harry had said and how much it had hurt, even though he was sure Harry hadn't meant it that way. By the end he was crying too hard to even go into why it had bothered him as much as it had.

Paulo's fingers tightened in his hair for a moment after Jan had fallen silent, choking on the lump in his throat. Then he spoke.

"I'm so proud of you for coming straight to me, my love. We will fix this, but first, come here." His other hand, resting at Paulo's side, beckoned to Jan to stand.

Jan lurched to his feet, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. Before he could do anything else, Paulo was wrapping him up in a tight hug that felt better than anything else Jan could have imagined at that moment. He melted against Paulo, clinging to him like a drowning man might cling to a life preserver.

Paulo murmured softly in Jan's ear, stroking his hair and back. _"Alles is oke, schatje,"_ he whispered over and over. "It's going to be okay. I am here, I love you, and you are safe."

Slowly Jan calmed, his heart rate gradually returning to normal. His throat still felt tight, but at least he could breathe. He gave a heavy sigh, his grip on Paulo relaxing slightly.

"That's my good boy," Paulo said soothingly. _"Calma. Te quiero. Calma."_

Finally Jan took a deep breath. He felt remarkably better already, just for being here, with Paulo, hearing him say that everything was going to be okay.

He tried to answer Paulo's questions as best he could, explain why he had taken Harry's joke as badly as he had, but he knew he was still somewhat less than coherent. Finally, though, Paulo laid a finger on his lips, silencing him.

"Do you trust me? Do you know how much I love you?"

Jan nodded, fresh tears threatening. If there was one thing he was certain of right now, it was Paulo.

"My Jan," Paulo whispered into Jan's hair. "My own wonderful, perfect, sweet boy. Tell me what you need."

Jan pressed himself closer to Paulo and shivered. "I-- I don't know, sir," he said in a small voice.

Paulo hummed thoughtfully. "Would you like to know what I think you need?"

Jan nodded, burrowing his face deeper into Paulo's neck. He smelled like sun cream and deodorant.

"I think you need to remember who you are. _What_ you are." Paulo held Jan out at arm's length and gave him a direct, challenging look. Jan instantly dropped his eyes. Even if he hadn't been thoroughly trained, Paulo's eyes were far too intense; he might as well gaze directly into the sun.

"You are a new Dom, yes, and for the most part you've done well with Harry. But before that, you are _mine,_ aren't you? My own wonderful submissive, my plaything." Paulo whispered that last word, making Jan shudder. "Aren't you?"

"Yes, sir," Jan said eagerly. He needed this, needed Paulo. He wanted to beg Paulo to take him, use him, make him scream, make him come, make him forget.

"I think sometimes you almost forget this, forget what you are," Paulo breathed, releasing Jan and circling around behind him, running his fingers across Jan's shoulders. "You are going to show me how good you can be for me, _mi pelirrojito._ You will do exactly what I tell you to do, yes?"

"Yes, sir," Jan answered in a voice that was nearly a moan.

"Good. Stand up."

Jan scrambled to his feet, keeping his eyes down.

"Take off your clothes. Shirt first… ah, ah, slowly. _Sí,_ good… play with those pretty pink nipples for me," Paulo rumbled. "Pinch it… that's right, good boy. Now the shorts, underwear too… slow…" 

Jan stripped off his clothes, letting Paulo guide him every step of the way. He loved it when Paulo did this, controlled him throughout a scene, playing with him like he was nothing more than a toy. By the time he was fully divested of his clothes, he was rock hard and eagerly waiting for the next direction.

Paulo sat down on the edge of his bed, feet planted on the floor, his own erection tenting his shorts. Jan couldn't see his face, of course, not without breaking the eye contact rule, but what he could see just made him all the more desperate.

"Lube is in the usual pocket of my backpack, _schatje._ You are going to finger yourself for me."

Jan shivered as he retrieved the little bottle from Paulo's bag. When he returned to the bed, Paulo had his feet splayed apart, one hand resting on the sizeable bulge in his shorts. 

"Come here, Jan. On your knees, that's it. You're going to suck my cock while you finger yourself. Don't touch your cock, though; I don’t want you to come," Paulo commanded. Jan obeyed readily, settling in between Paulo's spread legs. At Paulo's direction he tugged Paulo's shorts down around his ankles and took Paulo in his mouth hungrily, then spread his own knees and reached down between his legs to slip a lubed finger inside himself. 

"Good boy," Paulo breathed. "Jan, you're so good…"

Jan hummed happily, bobbing his head up and down on Paulo's dick. He had learned to love sucking dick very quickly after Paulo had claimed him a couple of months ago, and there were few things he enjoyed more than doing this for Paulo. He loved Paulo, and loved to serve him, and when he was on his knees, working as hard as he could to please Paulo, he felt content, peaceful, at home with himself in a way he rarely found in other circumstances. When he was doing what Paulo told him to do, he felt secure, even confident; knowing that Paulo would be pleased with him always gave him an enormous boost.

Jan worked himself with a single finger for a while, then with two. He had to be fairly careful not to let himself get too excited, but the distraction of trying to do this while also going down on Paulo was enough to keep him from getting carried away.

Paulo talked to him quietly while he worked, telling him how good he was, how much Paulo loved him, how sexy he was, what a good job he was doing. Every word filled him with warmth, settling inside him and making him glow with contentment. He forgot that he had been upset, forgot his doubts, forgot everything except for doing exactly what Paulo told him to do.

Soon Paulo was groaning, words lost to him as he tangled his fingers in Jan's hair and rocked his hips, sliding his cock in and out of Jan's mouth. Jan could tell that he was getting close, and it was agonising to have to keep himself under control. He wanted to let himself be swept along with Paulo, go crashing over the edge with him, but not this time. Paulo had told him not to, and he trusted Paulo enough to know that there was a good reason for it.

So he resisted, and focused just on making Paulo come as hard as he could. A feeling of triumph surged through him when Paulo tightened his fists in Jan’s hair and came with a feral growl, flooding Jan’s mouth with his release. Jan swallowed happily and let Paulo’s dick slip out of his mouth, but stayed where he was, two fingers still buried in his ass, determined to keep going until Paulo said otherwise.

"Jan," Paulo breathed, relaxing his grip on Jan's hair. "You are so wonderful." He cupped Jan's face in his hands, tipping his chin up to look at Paulo. The expression on his face was soft, his eyes full of love. He bent to kiss Jan, so tenderly that it made Jan want to cry.

"You did so well," Paulo told him. "Even with the added challenge of fingering yourself-- you can stop for now," he added. "I am so proud of you." He caressed Jan's cheek, stroking his cheekbone with a thumb. "Tell me how you feel."

Jan took a deep breath, assessing his state of mind. "I feel-- calmer," he said finally. "Stronger, somehow. More…" he trailed off, not certain what word he was groping for.

Paulo helped Jan up and pulled him into his lap, cuddling him close. "Good. Are you feeling more confident, then?"

"I think so."

"Then here is what we're going to do. We are going to go back to your room, and you are going to have a talk with Winksy. He does not understand, and he needs to, yes?"

Jan bit his lip, but nodded.

"But before we do, tell me this: why do you think Harry did this?"

Jan sighed. "He… he likes to be naughty on purpose, sometimes. I think he does it more to get attention than just to be difficult."

Paulo gave him a wry smile. "Ah, you would know the difference, eh?"

Jan blushed. It was true that he was often guilty of deliberate brattiness when it came to Paulo-- sometimes for attention, but more often it was just because he liked to be difficult. It was part of why he understood Harry's tendency to be a brat so well.

Paulo didn't wait for him to answer. "So the question is, what to do about it? How do you think you should handle it in this case?"

Jan considered. Being a Dom wasn't something that came easily to him; he was far more submissive by nature. If he hadn't had Paulo to guide him, he wasn't sure he would have tried it at all. "Well, he ought to be punished, yeah? But if he just wants attention, would I be rewarding him if I react the way he wants? Should I ignore this?"

Paulo shook his head. "No, _schatje._ If he wants attention, there is likely a reason for it, something that needs to be addressed. You could try to guess what it might be, but far better would be to get it from him, yes?"

Jan nodded. "But… do I just ask him?" he asked doubtfully.

"You could, but you also need to respond to the insubordination the way that Harry expects. I think you can do both at once, yes?"

Jan's brows drew together in confusion. Paulo leaned over and kissed them smooth again, then explained his plan.

  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Harry stared at his reflection in the mirror. He looked tired, his eyes red from crying, with dark circles under them. It was almost the opposite of how he had looked earlier in the day, when he and Jan had left the hotel to go do that interview.

_That fits, then,_ he thought. When they had left, he had been on cloud nine, drunk on Jan, the way he had fucked Harry, the way he had looked at him, smiled at him, talked to him. This whole tour had felt like that so far, like they were the only ones here, like they were just an ordinary couple on vacation, spending almost every waking second together, sleeping in the same bed at night, having sex every day. It had felt like a dream.

Except now it felt like he had woken up from that dream to find that none of it was real. He didn't know quite what had happened-- Jan had seemed fine before he had sat down for the interview, but when he finished he had looked like he was going to throw up, like he wanted to disappear. He had headed straight for the exit without even looking at Harry or the others, only stopping when Hugo had shouted after him. All through lunch and the rest of the media rounds he had seemed distracted, like he was upset about something, but there was no chance for Harry to ask him what was wrong.

And then Jan hadn't even looked at him when they got back to the hotel, had gone straight to the elevator without acknowledging Harry at all. He had wanted to run after Jan, to grab him and beg him to look at him, talk to him, something, _anything--_ but he hadn't dared, not where everyone could see them. He had wanted to go join him in the elevator, so they could go back to their room and maybe talk about it, but when Jan got on the elevator, Harry had caught his eyes for just a second, and they were cold and empty. Jan had stared straight through Harry as though he weren't there at all. Something icy and painful had begun to grow inside him, and he hadn't been able to move until the elevator doors shut and cut off his view of the man he loved.

He hurried over to the elevators himself, conscious that some of the other lads who had been in their afternoon media group were looking at him curiously, but he ignored them. None of them mattered right now.

When he opened the door to their hotel room, his heart sank on finding it dark and empty. Jan hadn't gone there at all. Harry suspected he might have gone to find Paulo or Toby, but Harry couldn't remember what rooms they were in, and he didn't dare try to find out-- he was hovering on the edge of tears as it was.

He switched on the lights, hoping that somehow maybe he was wrong, that Jan was waiting for him, or had left him a note, or _something._ He looked around desperately, but there was nothing. There was absolutely no sign that the room was occupied by anyone in a relationship at all-- the bed where Harry had ridden Jan that morning was neatly made, the bin where Jan had deposited the condom afterwards had been emptied. The shower stall had been cleaned as well, the soapy handprints they had left on the wall long since washed away.

Harry sank onto his bed, his hands over his face, his head spinning. He suddenly had a horrible thought-- had any of it been real? Had Jan ever been with him, or had he somehow dreamed it all up? What if their relationship was just a fantasy, born of his longing and frustration, that he had somehow convinced himself was reality? He didn't know what was real right now, and all he could think to do right now was cry.

He lost track of just how long he stayed like that, tears streaming down his face as he tried to remember every moment he had had with Jan. Every kiss, every touch, every word. If it was over, or if it had never been real in the first place, he couldn't bear to think of forgetting any of it.

His phone buzzed in his pocket suddenly, startling him out of his miserable trance. He dug it out hastily, hoping that it was Jan-- but it wasn't.

_ >>From: Dele A [19:42]: bro whats up u looked like shit in the lobby _   
_ >>From: Dele A [19:42]: everything ok? _

Harry sighed and rubbed his forehead. He didn't think he had the strength to deal with Dele right now. He was exhausting even when everything was fine; Harry didn't know if he could muster the energy to put up with his usual brand of bullshit.

_ <<To: Dele A [19:42]: yah all's good _   
_ <<To: Dele A [19:43]: just tired, long day _

_ >>From: Dele A [19:43]: leave off Winksy _   
_ >>From: Dele A [19:43]: I know u better than that _   
_ >>From: Dele A [19:43]: is it to do with Jan? He didn't look much better _

Harry blinked at his phone, panic warring with relief in his mind. He hadn't realised Dele actually paid that much attention to other people. The idea that someone besides him might have seen that something was wrong was reassuring-- maybe he _hadn't_ imagined it all, after all. But the idea of anyone finding out about him and Jan, what their relationship was, or had been, was terrifying. The idea of trusting Dele, of all people, seemed utterly ludicrous.

_ <<To: Dele A [19:43]: seriously Del, I'll be fine. Dunno what's up with Jan _

It wasn't really untrue-- he didn't have the slightest idea what was going on with Jan. Unless--

He sat bolt upright on the bed, remembering the scratches he had accidentally left on Jan's neck that morning. What if the interviewer had asked him about them? Had he caught on to what an unlikely spot it was to have happened in training? Scenario after scenario played out in his mind of different ways the truth behind the scratches might have come out. It suddenly made sense. Of course Jan would be angry and not want to be anywhere near Harry if he had exposed their secret, or even caused too much unwanted questioning.

His heart was pounding behind his eyes as he wrestled with it. He wanted to see Jan, but he was terrified of seeing him angry at Harry, maybe even hating him. He didn't think he could handle it.

His phone buzzed again.

_ >>From: Dele A [19:44]: if u say so mate _   
_ >>From: Dele A [19:44]: but um… if it helps, I think Paulos in rm 231 _

Harry stared at the screen in shock. How…?

_ <<To: Dele A [19:44] whats paulo got to do with anything _

_ >>From: Dele A [19:45]: no clue mate, just throwing it out there _   
_ >>From: Dele A [19:45]: and Harry… ffs dont do anything stupid _

Harry wanted to laugh at the irony of that statement coming from Dele, but it died in his throat. He had no idea how Dele had made the connection between Jan and Paulo, but he could worry about that later. First he had to find Jan.

But if Jan was with Paulo, would he even want to see Harry? Harry had never let himself hold on to any hope that he would ever be as important to Jan as Paulo was, had always understood that their relationship would always come first. Under ordinary circumstances he would never dare interrupt them without an invitation.

But these weren't ordinary circumstances.

Harry splashed water on his face in the bathroom sink, then gathered his room key and his courage, and opened the door.

Jan stood on the other side, his room key in his hand, his face determined, Paulo just behind him.

Harry yelped in surprise, and Jan dropped his key, stepping back a pace, bumping right into Paulo. Luckily, Paulo's reflexes were sharp as ever and he caught Jan in his arms. Seeing that made something inside Harry want to scream in pain. He had always known he couldn't compete with Paulo, but somehow seeing them together right now made it feel horribly real.

He stepped back from the door, holding it open until he saw one of them reach out for it, then he turned and went back into the room, not wanting to look at them any longer than necessary. He slumped down on his bed again, burying his face in the pillow. He didn't want them to see him crying.

He heard the door close, and the bolt click into place. The room was silent for a moment, but then he felt his bed sag under the weight of someone else sitting on it. He badly wanted to look, to see who it was, but he didn't think he could.

"Harry," Jan said, and his voice was rough and hoarse. "Harry, baby, please look at me."

It was a request, not an order, but Harry's heart leapt in his chest as he lifted his face from the pillow. _He called me baby. Maybe it was real._

Jan's face was set, his eyes determined as he gazed steadily at Harry.

"First of all," he said, "I'm sorry for how I treated you today. I should have at least tried to talk to you, or something, but I-- I just couldn't."

"Why not?" Harry whispered. "I was so scared, Jan…"

"I know," Jan said quietly. "And I'm sorry for scaring you. It's just…" He broke off, glancing over at Paulo, only turning back to Harry when Paulo nodded encouragingly.

Jan took a deep breath. "The interviewer told me about, um. What you said… to the last question. About me."

Harry blinked. He had almost forgotten about that. What had he even said? He had just wanted to make something up, something to rile Jan up. He loved needling Jan, just to get him to punish Harry. He loved having Jan's hands on him, his eyes on him, no matter what the reason. "Oh," he managed. "I…"

"I-- I know you probably just said that to be a brat, Harry. I know you didn't mean it." He looked suddenly anxious. "Did you?"

Harry swallowed. "Jan, I-- I don't even remember what I said. I absolutely didn't mean it, I just wanted you to find out and…" He trailed off. "Wait, so it wasn't about the scratches?"

It was Jan's turn to blink. "What? No-- the guy didn't say a word about them. Hugo and Sonny asked, but…" He frowned. "What do you mean, you don't remember what you said?"

Harry floundered, blushing. "I… um…"

Paulo reached over and put a hand on Jan's arm. Jan glanced at him and nodded. Something ugly flared in Harry's stomach. _Why couldn't Jan have come back to the room by himself?_

Jan straightened slightly, and his face hardened. "Harry, regardless of why, you insulted me to a stranger," he said sternly. "I think you know what that means, yeah?"

Harry swallowed. That tone from Jan usually meant punishment. "Y-yes, sir," he stammered. His heart was thumping wildly in his chest, excitement suddenly warring with fear.

Jan's arm shot out so quickly that Harry didn't have time to react. He seized Harry by the hair and dragged him forward, close enough to kiss him, but Jan just stared at him instead, his eyes blazing with heat and anger until Harry had to look away. "You are going to learn some respect, baby boy," he whispered softly. 

Harry whimpered in response, feeling his cock hardening in his shorts. Jan pulled his head to the side, bringing his mouth tantalisingly close to Harry's ear. "Do you want me, Harry?"

"Yes, sir," Harry said in a shaky, desperate voice.

"Good." Without warning Jan pushed him away, shoving him down onto the bed. His hands were on Harry, roughly turning him over, yanking on his clothes. He wrestled Harry's shorts and boxers down around his knees, and his shirt up over his head, keeping his arms still trapped in the sleeves. "Stay," he growled.

Harry trembled, wanting to look up at Jan, not daring. He felt Jan get up from the bed, heard him moving around the room. He thought he heard a zipper, which didn't make any sense to Harry-- Jan was wearing his kit, nothing he had on had a zipper. 

Then Jan's voice sounded from directly above him. "Safeword?" 

"Wenger," Harry whispered.

"Good. Now… you know you need to be punished, yes?"

"Y-yes, sir."

As soon as the words left his mouth there was a _crack_ and the sting of impact across his buttocks. It wasn't Jan's hand. Harry couldn't quite tell what it was.

"You know why?"

"I-- I was disrespectful, sir."

_Crack._ It wasn't stiff enough to be a paddle, and anyway, Harry was fairly certain Jan hadn't brought any of his toys. It felt like... leather, maybe. 

"Yes, you were." An irritated little growl, and another _crack._ Harry whimpered at the impact.

"Why do you do this, baby? Do you think I like having to discipline you?" _Crack._

That question was usually a trap. The correct answer was _yes,_ of course Jan enjoyed disciplining him. It was one of the foundations of their relationship. This time, though…

"I… I don't know, sir."

_Crack._ "Why would I enjoy having to do this, make you feel the hurt you caused me, ah?"

Harry whimpered again but couldn't think of any answer.

_Crack._ "You didn't even realise you hurt me, did you?"

"N-no, sir," Harry said, tears springing to his eyes, his cock throbbing underneath him.

"Is ignorance an excuse?" _Crack._

"No, sir," Harry sobbed.

"I can think of two reasons you might have wanted to hurt me. One is that you don't want to be with me anymore, you want to drive me away. Is that what it was, Harry?"

Harry waited for the next blow to fall, but it didn't. He realised with a start that this question was absolutely serious. Jan was legitimately asking him if he wanted out.

"No, sir," he said immediately, with as much conviction as he could muster. _"Never."_

"Good," Jan said, and for a moment his voice was soft and heartbreakingly sincere. Harry whimpered and wriggled, desperate to draw Jan's attention back to his red, tingling flesh.

_Crack._ "The other possibility I can think of is that you wanted attention. Yes?"

"Yes, sir," Harry said, lifting his hips up to meet the next impact.

"But I give you plenty of attention already, don't I? Why do you need more?" _Crack._ "Is having me almost all to yourself on this trip not enough?"

Harry moaned, low in his throat. "N-no, sir," he whispered, hardly aware of what he was saying.

_Crack._ "And why not?" 

"Be-because…" The words stuck in Harry's throat.

  
  


_Crack._ "Answer me, baby boy. Why is this not enough?"

"Because… because… no matter how much of you I have, he always has more," Harry mumbled.

The next blow didn't fall. Harry felt tears washing down his face. He was only dimly aware of what he had been saying, but he could tell that Jan had gone still.

"Who has more, Harry?"

Harry gave a choked sob. "P-Paulo," he whispered.

The room fell completely silent. All Harry could hear was breathing and the pounding of his own heart. He heard something fall to the floor with a soft clatter, a faint jingle of metal. Then Jan's hands were on him, tender now instead of punishing. He felt himself being lifted off the bed, cradled in arms so strong and gentle that fresh tears flooded his eyes. He couldn't get his eyes to open, but he knew instinctively, by touch, smell, everything in him sang out that it was Jan holding him. He would have known it if he had been blind and deaf.

"Wingzy," he murmured, and a little thrill went through Harry's body, the way it did every single time he heard his name in Jan's mouth, his musical accent turning it into something different and unique. "Oh, Wingzy. I didn't know you felt this way."

Harry clung to Jan, burying his face in his neck. "I… I didn't want to say anything," he mumbled.

"Baby, you need to tell me these things," Jan whispered, brushing Harry's hair back from his forehead, planting a soft kiss on his brow. "How can I make it better if you don't tell me?"

"I just… I never expected to be able to compete with Paulo," Harry murmured. "It didn't seem worth bringing up, it'd just cause trouble…"

"Wingzy," Jan said, his voice firmer. "It's not a competition. I thought you knew that."

Harry blushed, fumbling for words. "I know that, in my head anyway. I just… he's everything I'm not, tall and confident and dominant and sexy, I just…"

"Just what, baby?" Jan was kissing his neck now, his breath warm on Harry's skin.

"I just don't know why you would bother with me when you have him," Harry choked out, and then he was crying again.

Jan was silent for a moment. His hands continued to caress Harry's hair, but he pulled his face away from Harry's skin. Harry squeezed his eyes shut tight, but tears continued leaking out at the corners.

Then, to Harry's surprise, Paulo spoke up for the first time. "Harry," he rumbled. "You must understand. You have so much to offer Jan that I can't. Jan has… needs I can't fulfil. We have been together longer, yes, what we have is special, yes, but that doesn't mean that what you have with him is any less special." Harry felt another hand gently stroke his hair. He stiffened slightly, and the hand withdrew as quickly as it had come.

"I am different from you," Paulo said quietly. "That does not mean better or worse, or that Jan wants me more or less than you. Just… different." He paused, and when he spoke again he sounded further away. "I think I should go."

"Paulo, sir--" Jan started.

"Hush," Paulo said. "I came here to help you keep your confidence, but I think you will be fine on your own now. You two should be alone now, I think."

_"Sí, señor,"_ Jan murmured. _"Gracias."_

_"Graag gedaan,"_ Paulo answered quietly. _"Ik hou van je."_

_"Te quiero mucho,"_ Jan whispered, and then Harry heard the door open and close. He felt himself relax when it did. He hadn't even realised he was still holding in tension until it left him.

"Harry," Jan said, his voice soft. "Did you really not know how special you are to me?"

Harry shrugged vaguely. "I don't know. I never really thought about why you would want me. I was too swept up in getting to be with you."

He felt Jan's arms tighten around him. "I can't believe you would compare yourself to Paulo," he muttered, his voice exasperated but affectionate. "Do you think I can pin Paulo down and have my way with him? Can I pick Paulo up and fuck him against the wall? Does he have your eyes, your freckles, your hair? Is he sweet and naughty the way you are? Does he look at me the way you do? Yield to me the way you do?" With every sentence Jan kissed Harry, on his neck, temple, cheeks, forehead. After the last question Jan's lips found Harry's again, and even in his submissive trance Harry wanted to swoon. Nothing else seemed to matter when Jan was kissing him.

"And even if he could do all of those things," Jan whispered against Harry's lips, "I would still want _you._ You are more than all the individual things I like about you. I want you because… because you're _you."_

"Jan," Harry sighed, melting against him. Somewhere between when Jan had stopped spanking him and now, Harry had lost his clothes altogether, and he squirmed eagerly in Jan's arms. "Please…"

"Please what, baby?"

"Please… sir… fuck me, please," Harry begged him. "I need you… so bad…"

Jan kissed him again, and again, and again. He laid Harry out on the bed, stroking Harry's body with one hand, muttering to him in Dutch. Then there were slick fingers sliding into him, and Harry wouldn't have understood anything anymore, even if Jan had spoken in English. The only things that mattered were Jan's voice in his ear, Jan's lips on his skin, Jan's hand on his body, Jan's fingers slowly opening him up, Jan's cock against his thigh. 

Harry whined when Jan moved away from him, his fingers pulling out, leaving him feeling empty and desperate. He wanted to at least say Jan's name, to try to make him understand how badly Harry needed him, but he couldn't seem to form the words. He heard a faint ripping sound, a soft sigh from Jan, and then his hands were on Harry again, shifting him to lie flat on his back, pulling his legs up. Harry felt Jan pressing lightly against him, and then Jan was pushing into him in one long, slow stroke. 

Harry prised his eyes open to look up at Jan, needing to see him, to look in his eyes, to know that this was real, that it was really Jan here with him. Jan who was inside him. Jan who was looking down at him like he was a priceless artwork in some museum. He didn't think he could ever get enough of this man, the way he was looking at Harry, even if they could stay like this for years.

"Jan…" he whimpered, wincing slightly at the soreness he could still feel from that morning. "Jan… sir…"

"Shh," Jan whispered, lowering his head to kiss Harry as he rocked his hips slowly, sliding in and out of Harry. It was a long, deep kiss, in keeping with the almost gentle way he was thrusting into Harry. 

"I'm sorry," Harry murmured into Jan's mouth. "I'm sorry…"

"Shh," Jan repeated. "It doesn't matter, Harry, baby…"

Harry's heart swelled inside him. It was too much, all of it-- Jan was really here, was really with him, kissing him, inside him. Every minute of the last seven years, every time Harry had looked at him and wanted him, craved him, hoping every day that Jan would look at him, it was building up almost painfully inside him. He was losing himself, overwhelmed by everything he felt but could never put a name to.

Jan slipped a hand between them and wrapped it around Harry's dick. He was breathing harder now, moving just a little bit faster, but it was still slow and intense and so sweet it burned. "Harry, baby," he panted, pressing their foreheads together. "Harry. Wingzy. Fuck."

Harry wasn't sure he dared say actual words, terrified that he would say too much, let things slip that he didn't… he couldn't… but Jan's hand on him, his lips on him, his cock inside him, it was all too much, Harry was going to explode--

"Jan," he cried, his hips jerking desperately up. "Jan… I… I…"

"That's it, baby," Jan said, his own voice shaky. "Come for me. Come with me."

That was all it took for the tension to snap. Harry threw his head back and screamed incoherently. He knew he was coming, he could hear Jan's answering groans as he came too. Harry lost track of everything else. He heard words that he didn't understand, unsure which of them had even spoken. Nothing else mattered right now as they gradually came down together, trembling in each other's arms.

  
  
  
  


***

  
  
  


Jan held Harry tightly as he came, his face buried in Harry's neck. Harry's heels were digging into his back, his fingers clutching at Jan's shoulders. Jan could hear the blood rushing in his ears as he felt Harry jerking underneath him, his own body shuddering in reply as he spent himself inside Harry.

"I love you," Harry whispered, so quietly that at first Jan wasn't even sure he had said it.

Jan felt something tighten inside him. He tried desperately to calm the pounding of his heart. _Please, no, not now…_

He had been worrying about this ever since he had made the decision to get involved with Harry. More than one person had told him that Harry had had feelings for him for years. Toby had used the word _love,_ and Paulo hadn't disagreed with him. Jan had hoped vainly that they were exaggerating, that maybe it was just a crush, even an intense one. It was a fine line, to be sure, but the idea of Harry being genuinely in love with him made him… well, it made him nervous. He wasn't at all sure if he was ready to return it yet-- he had already said it to Paulo, of course, and from a very early stage in their relationship, but this… it felt different, somehow.

For one thing, Harry was so _young._ Nine years was not an insignificant age gap, especially since Harry was still in his early twenties. Harry had been a minor when they had met, for crying out loud. Jan knew that it would matter less and less as they got older, assuming they stayed together, but for right now it still made him feel uncomfortably twitchy to dwell on it.

Jan pulled away from Harry reluctantly, searching his face for any cue to help him know how to respond. Harry's face was blissful, though, his eyes closed dreamily, seemingly unaware of anything at all. He didn't seem to be waiting for a response. He looked… peaceful. Jan couldn't bring himself to destroy that sweet, contented look on Harry's face by rousing him for a difficult conversation now.

Had Harry even been in love before? Jan realised with a guilty flush how little he knew about Harry's private life before they had gotten involved. He felt a knot of anxiety building up inside him, even as he pulled out of Harry and got up to dispose of the condom and get a washcloth to clean Harry up.

Harry had slipped off to sleep, Jan realised. That wasn't terribly surprising, given how much energy had been expended with the emotional upset they had been through today. Jan pulled on some pyjama bottoms and stood there for a time, watching Harry's face, relaxing in sleep. He looked so innocent, and so very, very young.

_I'm too old for you,_ Jan thought sadly, watching Harry sleep. _You deserve someone your own age, someone who can stay with you._ Jan hastily lifted one hand to wipe away the tears that had slipped down his cheeks. He wanted Harry so much that it scared him. _Please, please, I would give anything to not hurt you. Please don't be in love with me._

Some time later, a sleepy voice spoke up. "Jan?"

Jan swiped his hand across his face again, just to be sure it was dry, and turned away from where he had been staring out the window.

Harry smiled at him drowsily, reaching for him with one hand. "Come back to bed," he mumbled. "'m cold. Need cuddles."

Jan couldn't help but smile. He went to the bed and scooped Harry up in his arms, cradling him close while he fumbled to pull down the covers. He laid Harry down as gently as he could, slipping in beside him, and pulled the blankets to their chins. Harry snuggled close, burrowing his way into Jan's arms, that same blissful smile still on his face. Jan couldn't have resisted him if he tried. He kissed Harry's lips, soft and sweet, and tried to forget about that tight little knot inside him, the one that wouldn't let go.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Translations
> 
> Creo que necesito hablar con él solo - I think I need to talk to him alone  
> ¿Podrías pasar un rato con Dao o Coco? - Could you go hang out with Dao or Coco for a while?  
> Alles is oke, schatje - Everything is okay, baby  
> Calma - Calm down  
> Te quiero - I love you  
> mi pelirrojito - my little redhead  
> Graag gedaan - you're welcome  
> Ik hou van je - I love you


	2. Epilogue

August 2019  
London

  
  
  


Jan shut the door behind him a little more forcefully than he had really intended to, making it echo throughout the house. He heard a startled bark, and then Teo came trotting down the hall to greet him, tail wagging as always. Jan patted him perfunctorily, then made his way through the house.

_"Hola, osito,"_ Patricia said when she saw him, looking up from where she was reading in the living room. "He's out back, on his bike."

_"Gracias,"_ he said absently, depositing his bag on the bench by the back door before going out into the back garden.

At the sound of the back door opening Paulo looked up from where he was pedalling away on his stationary bike, and a warm smile spread over his face. "Hi," he said, slowing to a stop. He wiped the sweat from his forehead on his sleeve and came over to kiss Jan. His smile changed to a frown when he saw the look on Jan's face. "What's wrong, _schatje?"_

Jan sighed. "Someone on the squad found the tourmates video," he grumbled. "Now everyone is taking the piss out of me because of the thing Winksy said." He grumbled, but let Paulo fold him up in a hug.

"I thought you and he worked through that," Paulo said softly.

Jan sighed. "We did, it's just… I don't know. I'd tried to forget about it, but now everyone's talking about it and I just… it makes me upset all over again."

Paulo led him inside, one arm wrapped around his shoulders, and sat him down at the kitchen table. "I know how much it hurt," he said softly. "But don't throw away everything you and Harry worked out afterwards just because the lads are being idiots. It'll pass, and people will forget about it, yes?"

Jan grumbled. Paulo was right, of course. That didn't make it any easier to take. 

Paulo squeezed his shoulder and headed into the kitchen to wash his hands. "Dinner will be ready in ten minutes," he told Jan, peeking into the oven. "What would you like to drink?"

"Do you have any beer?"

Paulo raised an eyebrow at him. "Is that a good idea?"

Jan made a face back at him. "Okay, fine, water. I hate it when you're right."

Paulo laughed and brought over two glasses of ice water, then sat with him at the table. "It's okay to be irritated, Jan. And I'm glad you're here, instead of taking it out on Harry."

"I guess so. I'm sorry I'm so grouchy for our night together, though."

Paulo leaned over and kissed him. "It's okay, my love. It just means I get to cheer you up." He kissed Jan again, then leaned back, his face thoughtful. "Have you actually watched the video yourself?"

Jan shook his head. "Didn't see any reason to, really. Didn't want to go through it all again."

"That's understandable, Jan, but that bit's at the end, and there's one bit near the beginning that I think you ought to see." He dug his phone out of his pocket, brought up YouTube, and held it out. Jan eyed the screen grumpily, then sighed, took it, and pressed _play._

"Here, skip the introduction…" Paulo murmured, tapping to skip to about twenty seconds in. Sonny's cheerful face lit up on the screen, where a question was printed across the bottom of the screen: _Who needs the most help packing their suitcase?_

_"Probably Skippy,"_ Sonny said with a grin. Then it changed to a shot of Harry, with the same question. He was staring down thoughtfully, but then he looked up, straight into the camera.

_"I'd say Jan,"_ Harry said. _"'Cause Jan's just… a kid."_ Then he grinned at the camera, and the shot changed to one of Jan himself, looking very serious.

"Go back," Paulo murmured, tapping the screen. "Watch it again."

_"Jan's just… a kid."_ Paulo hit _pause_ then, freezing the video just as Winksy was smiling at the camera. 

Jan stared at it. Harry's smile as he talked about Jan, thought about him, was almost unbearably sweet. Harry had glanced down just as the smile broke out over his face, like he was remembering something special, some secret that only he and Jan shared. 

Jan's face softened as he stared at his young lover's face. He still wasn't entirely sure of his feelings for Harry, or their future, but he couldn't deny how much Harry obviously cared about him.

"He's young," Paulo said softly. "He make mistakes. But he loves you, at least as much as I do."

Usually, when Jan thought about Harry loving him, it made something clench painfully inside him, like a fist around his heart. But somehow, looking at Harry's face, with Paulo's hand in his, that uncomfortable feeling was oddly absent. Instead, something warm filled him up, down to his toes.

"Yeah," Jan whispered, memorising Harry's soft, private smile. "I suppose he does."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! This was a super collaborative effort, down to the title, taken from the lyrics of the song "I Do Adore" by Mindy Gledhill, suggested by ayerlind.
> 
> You can watch the Tourmates video [here](https://youtu.be/uxv6X98wIEQ).


End file.
